So this is going to be a mix of Romanian and English.

The Romanian language isn’t particularly interesting; it does not feature umpteen grammatical cases like Hungarian, it doesn’t feature tens of thousands of characters like Chinese, and certainly it does not get the reputation of Finnish for being utterly impossible for a foreigner to grasp. It’s just another language, that some people find more or less difficult to learn.

However, a few things are particular to Romanian. For starters, the naming humor – if anything, Romanians love laugh and laughter, especially in the grim, unexpected sense. While English people call their towns by boring names like Bath or Ducklington, the glorious Romanians come up with fun things like Băicoi ^[1] or Adunații Copăceni ^[2]; the latter isn’t actually parsed to anything sane in Romanian, but it’s so close that it gives people a mental pause, hence .. humor. There’s also a former football club, Avântul Prăbușirea, which is hysterical to natives ^[3]. Twists are something any Romanian loves, and in the same vein, there’s a saying „Dă-i mai tare și închide-l” ^[4] Some names don’t mean anything, but they can be really sonorous, like Ictar Budinț (eek-tar booh-dintz); it sounds like it should mean something, except it doesn’t; and the momentary pause it gives you makes it somewhat funny.

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Another feature of Romanian is its penchant for producing long-winded curses. Of course there are short expletives that do well in casual conversation, like „Pizda mă-tii” ^[5] or „Bag pula” ^[6]. But the real deal is when one huffs and puffs and belches out a string of obscene things; you have to put some thought into those, neatly arranging words in such a way that the effect is a horrible painting done with words.

Below is an excerpt from a somewhat deranged individual, posting to Romanian Reddit. He really out-did himself with the insults, and his words deserve being fished out and put on display. Without further ado,

Ti-am violat mama in gura si pe muistii smardoi cacati de pe aici. Ma cac pe pisica ta si pe fata ta care seamana cu curul meu. Voi trebuie sa fiti sloboziti pe familie din start, ca apoi v-o luati in cap cu smecheriile. Ii mai dai puta pisicii, prapadel? Te mai fute taticul tau cu gura de la sticla de vin? M-am cacat pe cristalul ma-tii de muist scos pe cur. M-am scapat in gura ta de ziua ta, caca-m-as pe familia ta de sperme irosite. Scroafa de ma-ta cum mai suge pula? Mai ia muie acolo la tara pentru un iaurt, pizda mica? Merge bine pastila? Te mai exciti cu pisica cu gura deschisa, laba moarta? Tu chiar nu vezi ca ti-am muit familia si viitorii copii pe care prietena ta ii va naste morti si sugrumati cu cordonul? Da-mi report, distrusule. Cand esti pizda, fugi la altii sa te plangi, cacat mic. Esti doar un muist ca multi altii de pe r/Romania care trolleaza, iar prostii astia de moderatori nu va baneaza pe voi, ci doar pe cei care injura. Fut cadavrele viitorilor tai copii nascuti morti, adica toti. Cand iti mai moare un copil, sa-ti amintesti de textul asta cu bucurie mare, baga-mi-as pula-n gura lui fara dintisori. ??

I raped your mother [in her] mouth, and [I also raped] the shithead jailbird cocksuckers ^[7] ‘round here. I shit on your cat, and also on your face, which looks exactly like my ass. You all need to have your families cum on, or else you get a big head thinking you’ve got smarts. Are you still dicking the cat, you ruinous loser ^[8]? Does you daddy still fuck you with the wine bottle? I took a shit on your mother’s crystal (?!), you cocksucker, born out of an asshole. I cum ^[9] in your mouth for your birthday, may I shit on your family of wasted sperms. How’s your sow of a mother doing with sucking cock? Is she still a countryside cocksucker, just for the yogurt ^[10], you cunty you ^[11] ? Does the pill ^[12] still work? Do you still use the cat, mouth-agape, for sexual arousal ^[13] – you dead-pile-of-ejaculate you ^[14] ? Can’t you see I mouthfucked your family, including your future children that your girlfriend will give birth to as stillborns, strangled with the umbilical chord ^[15]? Report me, you nothing ^[16]. Just like a pussy, you run crying to complain, you tiny shit. You’re just a cocksucker ^[17] just like many others on this subreddit, all trolling, yet these stupid moderators don’t ban you, just us, that we swear at you. I fuck the dead bodies of your future still-born children – that is, all of future children ^[18]. When another kid of yours dies, remember this text with great joy, may I put my dick in his [[the child]] toothless mouth ^[19].

Frate mizerabilul, ma slobozesc in familia ta de Craciun si iti violez viitorii copii morti in gura. Uita-te la tine ca esti doar un cacat dornic de atentie, muistule. Cocolar e pizda aia de ma-ta care suge toate pulele. Ma spermez in familia ta de ziua ta. Esti doar alt cacat toxic de pe aici care crede ca daca nu injura, poate sa trolleze, si pizdele astea cacate de moderatori va tin partea. Nu te mai da smecher, ca esti doar un cacat muist mort dupa atentie, caca-m-as pe nepotii si copiii tai. Iti slobozesc neamul de la mic la mare. Cand te sinucizi, tristule? Sa faci livestream sa ne bucuram toti. Voi romanii va dati tari pe net toti, dar faceti ca tipa cu 2 copii, va aruncati de pe bloc. Perfectilor. : )

Asta cu probation, iti fut nepotica de ziua ei in gura cu cativa dintisori. Iar te bagi in seama cu mine, caca-m-as pe mormantul copilului tau. Ii dezgrop cadravrul si fac ce vreau cu el si apoi il pun la loc ca si cum nu s-ar fi intamplat nimic. A meritat copilul tau sa ma scap in gura lui plapanda. Voi va purtati cu manusi, pizdelor. Provocati subliminal prin insulte subtile, iar pizdele de moderatori baneaza pe cei corecti ca mine, nu pe cei care merita cu adevarat care se mai si baga in seama cu mine. Eu v-o dau direct, cacatilor; va muiesc nepotii de onomasticile lor. Aoleu, ce bine a fost cand m-am slobozit in gurile lor. Am uitat de toate grijile de la atata relaxare. Au gurile antrenate de la atatea bomboane de la mami si tati. Sperma le curge gratios la vale pe langa omusor si sunt tare bucurosi. Le place sa faca si gargara, ca atunci cand se spala pe dinti. Tot spatiul asta e o mare gluma datorita cacatilor ca voi si datorita unor moderatori cu nimic in cap.

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1. Separately, băi coi would be like ey, pendejo![↩]
2. The Ragtag of Woods? „Adunați” means „gathered”, in a somewhat haphazard way. „Copăceni” isn’t actually a word, but the stem (heh) of the word is copac, tree. The -eni suffix is used in toponyms to denote a place-name. Actually, „Pădureni” is exactly in the same vein, with „pădure” meaning „woods”.[↩]
3. Means something akin to „Momentum (and) Crash”.[↩]
4. Turn [it] up and then turn it off. The radio, or the tv.[↩]
5. Your mother’s cunt[↩]
6. Fuck that – literally I insert my dick [in the object of the discussion].[↩]
7. Stacking adjectives is the way to do it. Because nothing drives the point home like piling on all the bad things about your esteemed interlocutor.[↩]
8. Prăpădel is barely translatable. It’s a diminute of prăpădit, which itself means „ruined”. So not only is the object of the sentence a ruin, but he’s also addressed in a derogatory way, like a child would be.[↩]
9. There are not enough variations in English for the Romanian equivalents. „A te scăpa” means to do it accidentally, like premature ejaculation.[↩]
10. Also an euphemism for cum. Of course.[↩]
11. Pizdă mică, diminutive.[↩]
12. Unclear whether it’s about birth control or drugs.[↩]
13. Unclear whether the cat is being mouth-fucked (which … yikes), or the guy is using the cat with his mouth agape. Your guess is as good as anyone’s.[↩]
14. Labă means masturbation, as in „a face laba” (to masturbate). But it also means dick sometimes, because why not. And it also means the results of masturbating your dick – that little puddle of cum.[↩]
15. This is a learned technique, you begin painting the picture with the family, then you add detail to it, like zooming in on specific things which are also horrible, underneath which you keep finding horrible things, layered.[↩]
16. Distrus means destroyed. It can be liberally applied to a person, to indicate they are finished, there is nothing of value, substance or importance left in the esteemed interlocutor; they are nothing.[↩]
17. The oral fixation is strong with this one![↩]
18. The assumption is that the other person is a mouthbreather, so you have to explain again and again before your meaning will get through their thick skull.[↩]
19. Actually „dințișori” is diminutive for teeth, to really drive home the point that the author is envisioning a cute baby that he’s assaulting.[↩]
20. No, really…[↩]
21. „Cocalar” is another un-translatable term of art. In short, to be a cocalar means to cultivate a certain image of yourself, somewhat akin to US rappers – narcissistic, dressed as a rich person (even if poor otherwise), no culture, no manners, being street smart etc. Poser works but doesn’t convey the whole idea, not by far.[↩]
22. „A sperma” is street talk for „a ejacula”, to ejaculate. Sperma is cum, just like in German. Unlike German, „a sperma” is actually vulgar.[↩]
23. This time he’s reaching for „a (se) slobozi”, reflexive form of „to release” the juice. The undertext is that the male does it without a care what happens after. A sentence like „cum for me” is untranslatable in Romanian, there is no language device through which to convey a guy could care to cum for the girl.[↩]
24. „Trist” is an adjective, but through the power of nouning, it can mean a person whose entire existence is just a sad thing to behold.[↩]
25. Refence to a recent tragic story of a mother that not only jumped off a rooftop to her death, but she also took the kids with her. Reasons unknown.[↩]
26. I told you, the technique is to start with a simple picture and add to it. First the niece, then it’s her birthday, then you envision her mouth, and the cute tiny teeth she smiles with, as the cock fills it. It’s an art, a grotesque art.[↩]
27. „A se băga în seamă” is complex. It denotes a small and rather powerless entity that keeps trying to get attention from a larger, powerful entity, annoying them in the process. Not unlike how a mosquito would keep buzzing at your ear, despite you trying to shoot it away, or actively kill it. The mosquito comes again. And again.[↩]
28. Yup, he went nuclear. The only worse option would be to add religion to the mix. And he’s actually getting tired, so he just stops listing what he’ll do to said corpse. „Cu de toate”, as Romanian șaorma goes.[↩]
29. „Plăpând” may also be used for a state of being frail and fragile, but in this particular case, a young organism is plăpând in the sense of being tender.[↩]
30. Yup, „a se băga în seamă” again.[↩]
31. Guy’s got a fairly good command of tenses, as far as Romanian goes.[↩]

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